A year ago I wrote a piece that was published in the Toronto CSI Info Bulletin, an information resource for survivors in Toronto area.
In Canada I find it curious that TV doesn’t do repeats but “encore presentations”… what bollocks but, if you like, consider this an encore presentation, one year down the line: partly so I can remind myself of what it says; but also partly to underline what this site is about; partly so I can acknowledge what this little think-piece has done for me; and partly to thank Helen and Coleen for their help in editing and putting it out there in the world.
In the past twelve months I’ve had lots of conversations about “should” and with many different people – even had a friend, Peter, write an article about my article in Canadian industry magazine of the year Todays Trucking after conversation we had about shoulding and stuff at a neighbourhood street party .
In a way the past year has been a little like Einstein’s thought experiment – the one where we imagine ourselves riding on a beam of light – if we could travel at the speed of light the world would stand still. Except its the opposite effect – as I find myself more and more letting go of should I notice the world rushing round more and more enslaved to should and I am so grateful that I’m learning to live my life with less and less Healey at first. But, like anything that takes practice, I find it becomes easier and more natural. I get what I want more often and feel less disappointed when I don’t.
Lately, I rarely think should except to explain how I don’t believe in should. When the word does pop out from my lips it is a surprise, and I notice I can feel more compassion.
When I feel a should coming on, I make a point of noticing it, how it feels, and can be grateful for that. I ask myself “where from within me does that come from?” I try to work with that stuff that’s mine.
Then I can smile, breathe, and I find I can just let the should go.
© Kevin Healey Aug 2011
Original published here