Brene Brown on Blame


Brene Brown at RSA Shorts

Brene Brown at a meeting of  Blamers Anonymous…

breneblame3-How many of you are blameless?
How many of you when something goes wrong, the first thing you wanna know is whose fault is it?

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breneblame29“Hi, My name is Brene, I’m a blamer.”

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I needbreneblame4 to tell you a quick story.
So,  this a couple of years ago before I realised the magnitude to which I blame.

Ibreneblame5’m in my house and I’m drinking a cup of coffee in my kitchen.
It’s a full cup of coffee.
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I drop it. On the tibreneblame6led floor.
It goes into a million pieces and splashes up all over me.

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breneblame8And the first, I mean a millisecond after it’s on the floor:
“DAMN YOU STEVE”

Because, let me tell you how fast this works for me…

breneblame9Steve plays water polo with a group of friends and the night before he went to play water polo.

And I said “hey make sure you come home before ten because I can never fall asleep until you get home”
And he got back at ten-thirty.

breneblame7And so, I went to bed a little bit later than I thought.
Ergo, my second cup of coffee that I would probably not be having had he come home when we discussed.
therefore…

breneblame15aSo the rest of that story is I’m cleaning up  the kitchen, Steve calls…

I’m like “hey.”
He’s like “hey what’s going on babe”
Huh What’s going on…

So I’ll tell you exactly what’s going on
I’m cleaning up the coffee, that spilled all….
duh……………………dial tone
because he knows…

how many of you go to that place:

breneblame12When something goes wrong,
When something BAD happens

breneblame13.

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The first thing you want to know is

WHOSE FAULT IS IT?

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I’breneblame14d rather it be my fault than no one’s fault.

…because,

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breneblame15WHY?

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breneblame18Here’s where, if you enjoy blaming,
this is where you stick your fingers in your ears
and do the “na-na-na!” thing.

…because I’m getting where I’ll ruin it  [enjoying blame] for you.

Here’s what we know from the research:

breneblame blameBlame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain.

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.breneblame blame2

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.breneblame20

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breneblame21

It has an inverse relationship with accountability.

Accountability is by definition a vulnerable process.

breneblame22It means me calling you and saying,

“hey my feelings were really hurt about this.. “

…and talking.

Ibreneblame23t’s not blaming.

breneblame24Blaming is simply a way that we discharge anger.

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breneblame26aPeople who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to hold people accountable because we spend all of our energy raging for 15 seconds.

breneblame27

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And blaming is very corrosive in relationships…

breneblame28.

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And it’s one of the reasons we miss our opportunity for empathy.

breneblame1.

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because when something happens and we’re hearing the story we’re not really listening.

brene blame3We’re in the place where I was, making the connections as quickly as we can about whose fault something was.

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Watch Brene Brown on Blame at RSA Shorts  here.

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3 Responses to Brene Brown on Blame

  1. Loreen Lee says:

    Thanks for your thumb up regarding my attempt at humor (at you ‘being the messenger’) but I had to come back to clarify that I felt a little ‘guilty’ after posting.another one of my ironic twists. I thought that the author of the article had a good approach in ‘admitting her fallibility’ as being a blamer herself. Of course those in power, who blame for example, the weak, and those living in poverty, for the ills in society, are perhaps the most extreme- examples of a possible reference to the mote and the beam in the eye of those that see not the fault within themselves. Actually, rather than this comparison within religious tradition, wouldn’t it be more modern and more scientific to just note that it’s a very poor application of the ‘principles of causation’. Although closer to Hume’s explanation of causation as that awareness of contiguity, etc. within our mental ‘associative’ thinking, do we even achieve that degree of acumen when we merely ‘blame’. Can we find within that ‘blame’ an Aristotelean material, efficient, formal or final cause- or maybe we’d like to place the ‘blame’ on the First Cause, without warrant ??- after all the First Cause is in Aristotle and Aquinas the ’cause’ that is primarily identified with the Being we call God. Gee! Well, sure if there is no longer belief in God or even the devil, that does not imply that the ‘proofs’ of theodicy are no longer valid. or that ‘heaven help me’, I’m to blame for all this mess within the world….does it????
    Getting beyond ‘blame’ can certainly be regarded as ‘quite a challenge’….. Peace!!!!

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  2. Loreen Lee says:

    Are you to blame for posting this *&$%^ this morning, just when…… (‘Seriously’, I wonder if this thought can be found among the many ‘serious’ ‘reactions’ (not responses) to this piece!!!!!

    Like

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